LOS ANGELES — In a desperate bid to prove Hollywood has officially run out of new ideas, Warner Bros. announced the upcoming The Minecraft Movie, based on a game where people spend hours punching trees and crying into pixelated sunsets. Insiders say the studio green-lit the film after discovering a YouTuber made 80 million dollars building a square house.
🎥 “It’s not about blocks, it’s about feelings,” says the director.
“We wanted emotional depth,” said one producer, “but most of it’s made of dirt.”
Sources confirm Jason Momoa will star as “a guy made of squares with feelings.” The plot reportedly follows a lonely miner named Steve as he builds, destroys, rebuilds, then questions the meaning of existence after accidentally hitting his only friend, a sheep named Gerald.
Writers describe the tone as “Blade Runner meets IKEA.”
🧱 Fans Already Divided: “Make It Rated R or Don’t Bother.”
Critics call it “the most cinematic pile of dirt since Dune.”
Fan reactions range from cautious optimism to violent confusion. One Reddit user wrote, “If there isn’t at least one crafting montage set to Taylor Swift, I’m deleting my account.” Another demanded “full realism,” including a 30-minute scene of a player falling into lava and rage-quitting life.
A leaked test screening reportedly caused three audience members to attempt mining the cinema floor.
🍿 Hollywood’s New Motto: Adapt Everything That Moves
“We shot this scene entirely in a server run by unpaid interns,” said the director.
Industry analysts say The Minecraft Movie is part of a larger trend where studios adapt anything recognizable — games, cereal boxes, possibly oxygen next. Future spin-offs reportedly include Minecraft: The Musical, Minecraft: Origins, and Minecraft vs. Lego: Dawn of Plastic.
When asked about sequels, Warner Bros. executives confirmed Minecraft 2: The Craftening is already in development, even though the first one hasn’t finished rendering.
🪓 The Ending: Critics Brace for Another Blockbuster
Test audiences left both moved and pixelated. “It’s a story about creativity,” said one viewer, “and also the trauma of forgetting to build a bed before nightfall.”
Cinema insiders predict The Minecraft Movie will gross billions, mostly from people mistaking it for an update trailer. And as Hollywood continues mining nostalgia for profit, one thing’s for sure:
The next generation of kids won’t play Minecraft.
They’ll watch it — in 3D, with emotional monologues about gravel.
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